Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Found the puke drawer
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
