I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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