My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize