She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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