I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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