nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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