Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
