How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
