Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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