Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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