My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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