Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
