I can text with my tongue
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
