I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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