Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my being single is dangerous.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
