hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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