i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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