i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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