Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
