the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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