If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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