I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
