We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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