I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
