I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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