I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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