I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
