So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
