dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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