I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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