i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
