it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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