watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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