i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
