I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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