I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
