I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
