im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
