watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize