So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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