There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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