just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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