i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
