im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
