btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Only a mothe r could love this liver
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
