why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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