i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
