Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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