yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
