the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
