you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
