So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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