So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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