There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
