dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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