Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize