My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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