I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
