Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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